Toxic People Profile: The Self Righteous [Episode 19]

Of all the vices I’ve mentioned so far, self-righteousness has the potential to be the most polarizing! A self-righteous person will oftentimes defend his or her actions as well-meaning.  On the surface, nothing is wrong. The problem is the intention.

Self-righteous people can actually make very good points. They’re not always wrong. However, they measure themselves by other people’s abilities to keep the rules. They may seem helpful, but they are tearing you down by constantly pointing out your inability to live by the rules. They may act out of envy, being jealous that you are living by a set of rules that they cannot or will not follow. For example, a fitness buff that eats right and goes to the gym 5-7 days a week may be jealous that a couch potato can eat and do whatever he wants. After all, it’s not fair for the fitness buff to do all the right things and let this couch potato get away with not living right. What an outrage! Thus, the fitness buff will use facts to put down or shame the couch potato into doing what the fitness buff wants. Heaven forbid the couch potato resists such well-meaning advice!

As you can see, this is a subtle form of control.

Self-righteous people can indeed be control freaks.

Someone has told me that the truth is the truth.  What does it matter how one delivers it?  I agree except for one point.  You underestimate human nature.

If you try to impose your will on someone, even if you’re right, the other person is likely to resist even if they know better.

Let’s face it, nobody likes dealing with a self-righteous person. For the most part, we all do the best we can. Having another person – especially one who doesn’t know you well – stand in judgment of your behavior is a bitter pill to swallow.

Rigidity – Self-righteous people often have a narrowly defined view of the world. They have a specific idea of the way things should be, and they truly believe that everybody should adhere to the same standards. It can be very difficult for a self-righteous person to acknowledge that there might be another way of doing things.

Excessive criticism – Self-righteous people can follow up their rigid view of things with an excessive amount of critical talk. They tend to be very quick to share their often-unwanted opinions with everyone around them. They don’t seem to care whether people are interested in what they have to say. Rather, they think everyone should be interested, and they act accordingly.

Tattle-telling – One thing that self-righteous people love to do is report wrongdoing on the part of others. A self-righteous person will be the first one to run to the boss to tell him that you’re late, or to let everyone in your book club know that you didn’t read the book.

Shaming – This is related to tattle-tale behavior, but it is a little different. Oftentimes, a self-righteous person has the mistaken belief that holding someone up for shame or ridicule will bring on better behavior. Instead, the opposite is often true. The emotion of shame can have a negative impact on the shamed person’s self-esteem, which can then encourage further behavior of the same kind.

Impatience – Because they have such a narrow view of what is right and wrong, a self-righteous person may be deeply impatient with other people and the mistakes they make. In extreme cases, the person in question may actually become intolerant, and start to make sweeping judgments about whole classes of people.

It is easy to see why extreme self-righteousness is so toxic. People who have these traits are unpleasant to be around. They have the ability to make everyone near them feel in adequate and ashamed, and in fact, they delight in doing so.
Tips for Coping with a Self-Righteous Person
People who are highly self-righteous are, ironically, the most likely to accuse other people of self-righteousness. For a personality type that is already such a challenge to deal with, having them turn the accusation you would make to them around on you can be too much. Let’s look at some ways you can cope with toxic self-righteousness.

Nip Criticism in the Bud  
The first thing to consider is taking preemptive action when you first identify a person as being self-righteous. While the person may feel she knows what’s best for you, if you make it very clear that you are not interested in her opinions, it may be enough to get her to back off and leave you alone.

It’s important when doing this to be both calm and firm. Your intention is not to pick a fight, after all – it’s to shut them down in terms of feeling as if they have a right to tell you what you should be doing. You do not have to defend any of your decisions. You can simply say something like “Thank you, but I have my own way of doing things, and I’m very comfortable with it.”
In terms of dealing with a tattle-tale, your best bet may be to just take responsibility for whatever issue the self-righteous person is upset about. When you do that, you take the situation out of his hands – and you have the opportunity to control the way it is presented.

Engage in Positive Self-Talk  
If the above tactic doesn’t work, it’s a good idea to do everything you can to keep your self-talk positive and supportive. You are less likely to say something you’ll regret later if you remind yourself of why you do things the way you do them. Sometimes a pep talk can really help.

Defend Yourself if Necessary 
You do not have to defend your actions to the self-righteous person if you don’t want to, but if you believe that the way they are expressing his opinion of you is truly harmful to you and to other people, you may want to address it directly. For example, you might say, “I understand that you think I should be working late every day, but I have already discussed this with my boss and he understands my situation. Thank you for your concern.”

Tune Out 
If none of the above tactics work, your best bet may be to simply tune out and stop listening to the person in question. After all, hearing his words of destructive criticism and judgment isn’t helping you, and is mostly like hurting you. You are under no obligation to listen to someone whose only interest is in telling you all the things you are doing wrong. You can simply ignore him. If you have to: listen to music, pull out a book, or walk away.

Self-righteousness can be unpleasant, but as with all of the other toxic behaviors in this book, you have the power to deal with it in a constructive and respectful way that will leave you feeling good about yourself